Don’t Just Say It


Well, here we are at the end of the series on marriage.  This has been one of the most read and commented on series of posts that I have done.  Thanks to all those who have left comments here or chatted with me on facebook.

Warning– This is a little adultish.  Nothing graphic but the word sex appears a few times throughout.

Ok, let’s get on it.  Today I will be writing broad generalizations, not everyone is going to fit into the two categories I am talking about.  If you don’t I apologize, but time doesn’t allow me to go in 80 different directions.  Some men are better at romance than others.  Some women are less emotional than others.  If you are with a guy that shows little to no emotions and isn’t very romantic welcome to my Wife’s world.  I call it Romantic Constipation.  I suffer from this and I imagine that most guys do as well.  Again, if you or your guy doesn’t, congratulations, you get to skip today’s post.  But for those that do, hold on.  Also, most girls are romantics and want to be romanced, that’s why Harlequin Romance books take up most of the space on the Wal-Mart bookshelves.  Unfortunately most of us aren’t getting the love we want.  Why?  Why can’t our spouses show us they love us the way we want them to?

Here is my explanation of the differences between the sexes.  I know, it’s unexplainable but just hear (read) me out.

Guys are so simple that women will never understand us and women are so complex that men can never understand them.

Pretty deep huh?  But it’s true.  Women are complex creatures, you have needs that are so deep and so complex that us guys struggle to keep up, not to mention understand them.  But guys are very simple, we want just a few things.  Most women have or will say that all men want is sex.  Let me clarify that, yep- pretty much.  Why?  That’s the question.  Here’s my answer.  Men need sex to feel intimate.  It’s how we feel attachment.  It’s how we feel close.  Sex opens our emotions up more and easier than anything else.  I don’t know why, I just know that it’s true (again-generalizing here).  Sex helps us feel romantic and romance helps women feel sexual.  It’s a circle, sometimes a vicious one.  Because if one person isn’t getting what they need usually neither is the other.  That is where love comes in.

ALLORA Don’t just say it, do it.  I’m talking about “I love you”.  Just saying it isn’t enough.  You have to back it up.  Think of love as the state of Missouri, the “Show Me State”.  If you read my post the other day on Putting It All Together then you know I am referring to love being an action verb, not a boring old noun.  Love implies action, doing something.

No sideline sitters or wallflowers allowed.  Get in the game, actually get up and dance!

Here’s the problem, we have no idea how to do this.  Not because we don’t want to, but because we don’t know how to.

Love allows us to overcome the need for either romance or sex.  It gives us the ability to allow our own needs to not be met for a while so we can meet the others needs first.

Guys, not getting enough sex is no excuse for not being romantic and ladies, not getting enough romance is no excuse for not having sex with your husband enough.  The problem comes when we put our needs before the other.  If we both put the other first everything goes smoothly.  When we get selfish it throws everything out of whack.  Remember our passage from the last few days?  What was the first verse?

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21 (New Living Translation)

Submit to each other’s needs.  Not putting yourself and your needs above the other.

Let me stop here and say this;  I STINK at this.  I struggle with this just like most of you probably do, or for those not married, probably will.  So don’t think I am “preaching” at you.

Ok, back on topic.  Put the other person first.

Now that we have that out of the way, what are some practical ways we can SHOW our love for each other?  Is your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé not showing you that they love you?  Are you sure?  What if they are showing you but in the wrong way.

Here’s what happens in my life.  I like to have things done for me.  I couldn’t care less about flowers or gifts or poems.  My idea of love in action is her cleaning the van out when she knows I am too busy to do it.  I feel loved when she clears the DVR so I can record a football game or a show I want to see but won’t be there when it airs.  I like it when she cooks dinner and then cleans up after before I can get to it (She’s the cook, I’m the cleaner upper).  I’m a practical guy and that’s what I like (other than sex!).

My wife, on the other hand, likes things.  She likes it when I buy her stuff.  Doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to be meaningful.  She loves Haribo candy.  She loves pink things.  She loves little unexpected text messages.  Which reminds me, I should go send one now.  Be right back.  Ok, I’m back.  These are the things she needs to feel loved, among others.

So how do I show her I love her?  I clean out the van, I do the dishes.  I clean up her coke cans when I see them.  I delete my stuff off the DVR so she has plenty of room to record Dancing with the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance.

How does she show me?  She buys pencils and to-do lists with Superman on them (I’m a Supes fan).  She buys a backpack for my son with a Gator’s logo on it (I’m also a Gators fan).  She buys my favorite candies for me.

Did you see what is happening?  I show her love the way I want to be loved and she shows me love the way she wants to be loved.  It’s backwards.  I suspect for the man/woman that doesn’t feel loved it’s because you spouse is showing you love the way they want to be loved.  Or, maybe your just with a selfish jerk who doesn’t care.  Hopefully it’s the former, not the latter.  Try something.  Ask him/her how they show you that they love you on a day to day basis.  Most likely, that’s how they want to be loved by you.  Neat huh?  Now do the same in return, tell them how you show them love and help them to understand that’s how you need to be shown love.


It’s not guaranteed to work as each couple and each situation is different.  But if nothing else it will get you two lovebirds communicating and that is the main idea!

FYI- Here is a website that lists several ways to show someone you love them.

100 Ways to Say I Love You

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